You’ve mentioned several times that “no one changes that fast.” I agree that it seems unlikely, but one thing I know is that pain is a strong motivator for change, especially in me.
In the last two weeks I’ve experienced more pain than I ever thought possible. It hurt when Keri died, but this was the death of my hope, my future. It was, in all respects a major traumatic event.
Although a small minority of people might mention something that happened in therapy, or a classroom, or formal learning experience, the vast majority of cases occurred after recovering from a challenging or even traumatic event—the death of a loved one, a major failure or disappointment, a crisis or catastrophe, a relationship or job ending, a threatening illness, or something similar. We know now from research on this topic that traumatic or difficult events don’t necessarily lead to incapacitating problems but also can spark tremendous growth and learning. In fact, they do so just as often as they may lead to trauma.
The change I am describing is a result of my analysis of recovery and processing through the issues which became so clear to me, so crystal clear that I have had no choice but to face the pain and hurt I had caused. I had no choice but to look it straight in the face and weep for the wrongness of my reactions and attitudes, for the hurt I caused you, and for the hurt I caused the girls.
I am broken by my own actions, and I am actively repenting and changing and learning I, like everyone, am imperfect and dynamic, growing and learning.
For some years I have refused to look these things in the face, afraid of what I might find. I should have looked sooner, for to see their ugliness is to turn away from them for good.
I love you. I have only wanted the best for you, and never wanted to cause you pain.
I am so sorry.