Who Is John Buck?

I can’t win

I don’t know what it is, but you’ve decided something about me that’s just not true (or if it is, I absolutely can’t see it).

I’m crushed, my world has fallen apart in a matter of weeks. My dreams and family are gone (never again, you’ve said). I’ve grieving and needing to process and understand, I’m feeling so powerless and out of control from the way you ejected me from my own home for weeks and prohibited me from seeing my daughters.

You’re all about trying to set boundaries, and I’m still trying to understand and cope and communicate and love.

I want to observe your boundaries, but I ALSO need to make sure my children are safe, to process, to grieve, to understand. And now suddenly your boundary is to not talk to me at all.

You can’t see that you’ve destroyed me.

Does it excuse my actions and reactions? No. My actions and reactions are 100% on me.

You could at least show some compassion.

I am not who I was (nor am I your mother)

I’m not the monster you’ve created in your mind. I’m not your mom.

I’ve hurt you deeply, I’ve behaved wrongly. Your experiences were real, and I’m so deeply regretful of the raging outbursts and the porn use.

I’ve failed you profoundly.

I also don’t want you to turn me into some kind of caricature of myself, one that you can hate and slander for the rest of your life, to the destruction of yourself, and our children.

You hold onto hurt like a badge of honor, and wield bitterness like a gun.

I still love you.

 

“Repentance and restoration are powerful realities, but they are neither cheap nor easy.

True repentance over sin is more than remorse over consequences. It is a change wrought in the depths of one’s heart. …offenders no longer dismiss or downplay their actions. No longer do they blame the victims, retreat into defensiveness, or seek to discredit… The church calls the offender to agree in naming the evil deed and refusing to make any excuses for it.

Likewise, forgiveness and restoration does not mean we abandon precautions in how we live among people who are guilty… It does not mean we … set aside earthly consequences. The outworking of restoration must be applied with wisdom and care and prudence…

But the gracious call to repentance still goes out, and it is still powerful. We worship a generous God who takes sin so seriously that he gave up his body to be crucified, for the sins of victim and abuser alike. The rugged grace that flows from the cross does not minimize sin or redefine wickedness; it floods the cavernous heart and washes away our stains.”

The Gospel Coalition – Sexual Assault and the Scandal of Repentance

“Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.”

~ Craig Ferguson

I was fearful of losing her, of losing and being abandoned by the woman I loved, the woman I had spent the last 7 years sacrificing everything I was. I was terrified that she would no longer love me, and that she’d look at my broken, imperfect self and

In short, I was afraid. I did not love her well. I loved myself, and in so doing I hurt her deeply. She needed someone to listen patiently, hear her, and walk with her regardless of the outcome and with no expectations, and instead I attacked her, demanding answers and commitments that were based in my own fear of rejection.

I was a fool, and my aggressive fear response only drove her away.

Don’t be be deceived by the fears you have of rejection, or by the egotistical desire to drive your point home. Attacking those who don’t believe as you do (or who are struggling to clearly define what they believe) will only alienate them and destroy you both.

Don’t be a fool. Love the people around you as Christ has loved you. Argument and attack never got anyone anywhere in these sorts of situations, as far as I know.

They’ll certainly alienate you though, and anger will destroy you by destroying others. You’ll have nothing left.

If you’re angry, or you related to others through power and control, don’t wait to deal with it until your lovely, loving wife divorces you. GET HELP RIGHT NOW and stop hurting those who love you.

Chocolate hummus. Enough said. 😉

I never want to gaslight or try to pretend like what you’ve experienced isn’t real. We both know it was. And in spite of the shame of discussing my addiction to pornography and angry reactions, I want to face them and deal with them like a gentleman and a husband.

With honor and honesty.

What you’ve experienced is very real, and deeply hurtful. I have broken your trust at a fundamental level on multiple occasions, and you are deeply wounded from this. So wounded that you now barely trust me at all.

I just want you to know it’s not what I wanted either.

I never wanted this pain for us. I want to love you and cherish you and make sure you feel safe, I want to have long conversations about things that matter and share in every aspect and difficulty in life. I want to wrestle through the hard things with you (never against you).

I really do love you so much (I wish you knew how much).

I just want to give you everything you need, even now. I’m working to do that.

It occurs to me that I might ALSO be an emotionally insensitive lunk. I would like to learn to be more careful and loving for those who communicate differently than I do.

Change is a process, but pain pushes it into overdrive

You’ve mentioned several times that “no one changes that fast.” I agree that it seems unlikely, but one thing I know is that pain is a strong motivator for change, especially in me.

In the last two weeks I’ve experienced more pain than I ever thought possible. It hurt when Keri died, but this was the death of my hope, my future. It was, in all respects a major traumatic event.

Although a small minority of people might mention something that happened in therapy, or a classroom, or formal learning experience, the vast majority of cases occurred after recovering from a challenging or even traumatic event—the death of a loved one, a major failure or disappointment, a crisis or catastrophe, a relationship or job ending, a threatening illness, or something similar. We know now from research on this topic that traumatic or difficult events don’t necessarily lead to incapacitating problems but also can spark tremendous growth and learning. In fact, they do so just as often as they may lead to trauma.
Source

The change I am describing is a result of my analysis of recovery and processing through the issues which became so clear to me, so crystal clear that I have had no choice but to face the pain and hurt I had caused. I had no choice but to look it straight in the face and weep for the wrongness of my reactions and attitudes, for the hurt I caused you, and for the hurt I caused the girls.

I am broken by my own actions, and I am actively repenting and changing and learning I, like everyone, am imperfect and dynamic, growing and learning.

For some years I have refused to look these things in the face, afraid of what I might find. I should have looked sooner, for to see their ugliness is to turn away from them for good.

I love you. I have only wanted the best for you, and never wanted to cause you pain.

I am so sorry.

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